Easton Survey: Support System

Today I got a phone call from the University of Utah, wanting to do a survey about my "still born" son. Well I instantly informed them that he was not still born and that we had a live delivery and birth, but that he died shortly after birth. She said she could still do the survery so I figured why not. I was asked some very interesting questions. Do I feel like it was my fault he died? Has someone blamed me for his death? Did I have a good support system? Did I experience suicidal thoughts after his death? Did I feel alone? Did I come from a good family? It got me thinking about women out there who do deal with the loss of a child, and maybe they are alone and don't have someone to turn to. I know there are so many support groups out there, and what not, but sometimes it's good to have at least ONE person family or friend to be there for you. At the moment in time when I lost Easton, it felt like time stopped, I felt like I would never leave the empty hollow place I was in. But of course, we do.

I had a pretty emotional day on Friday, Karson's birthday. Part of it was due to the flood in our basement, that my house was in disarry, that Karson didn't get a good nap in, but it was also because I was thinking about Easton. I was wondering what his first birthday would have been like, and what his personality would be like. I missed him. It made me so thankful for Karson in my life, but I missed my Easton.

The survery asked me questions if I still thought about that day, do I think about Easton, etc I almost got a little choked up during the survey, but I pulled through. I just wanted to say THANK YOU to my amazing family and friends, you all know who you are, who supported me through this. I also wanted to say thanks to Tyler. I was a basketcase for about 3 months, and it was intense, but through it all he stood by my side, and let me cry through the night and sleep with a teddy bear, I just needed something to hold onto and not let go for awhile. Tyler watched the light leave my eyes and slowly come back. It was almost two years ago, but sometimes it feels like it was yesterday and other times it feels like it was far, far away. My heart aches for women who experience the loss of a child and feel like they don't have a support system, never once did I feel like hurting myself, or drifting off into a deep depression, and I know that was because of the people in my life. Yes I was sad, upset, quiet, lost, confused, but I was strong and I survived the aching pain.

Any way I guess the survey just got me thinking about some things!

Happy Fathers Day!

I am so thankful for my Dad and for everything that he has done for me in my life. Even though he hasn't always agreed with some of my decisions I have made in the past he has always stuck by me and supported me and loved me. The older I get the more I understand what heartache I must have put him through, and it makes me sad to realize that now. My dad is one of the most hardest working, thoughtful, generous, non-judgemental people that I know. He would do anything for anyone, ecspecially his family. My dad has helped me and my family many, many times. I am thankful for his example and friendship and love. I love you dad!

My husband Tyler. Tyler is a great Dad! He has a great relationship with Kaili even though they don't get to see each other as much as they would both like. He has a patience with her and they have a strong father-daughter bond. Tyler is a great dad to Karson, Karson loves him so much. He loves to play games with Tyler and he loves to give him kisses. Tyler works so hard for his family, he goes to school full-time, works full-time, mows my parents lawn once a week for some extra cash, and he helps me out around the house as much as his time will allow. I know I don't tell him enough how lucky I am to have him in my life. He is a hard worker and I know he will do whatever it takes to take care of his family. Sometimes it feels like I go about 3 days in a row without really seeing Tyler, but at the end of the day I know he is there sleeping next to me, and I am thankful to have him in my life. I love you honey, Happy Fathers Day! :)

Karson's Birthday Cake

So Since Friday was so insane, I didn't come prepared for Karson to attack his birthday cake and I didn't really think that he would. However when we sang Happy Birthday to him and he was sitting on my dads lap he started smearing the green writing.

It was pretty cute for me,but my dad was laughing because he hates anything sticky or messy on him, it was pretty funny! I grabbed Karson and cleaned him off and we ate some yummy ice cream birthday cake.Karson loved the cake! I think he might have a sweet tooth like his mommy!

All in all it was a good first birthday for my baby boy, who isn't really a baby anymore! I pinched a nerve in my back while sitting on the ground, it hurt like crazy, it took my breath out of me, so Friday night I was pretty miserable and it still hurt Saturday, but by Sunday I was feeling much better. Happy Birthday Karson baby, I love you sooo much!

Karson opening presents

So most of the pictures of Karson opening his presents are of me with Karson's head looking down, so I will spare you all the millions of pictures I have of that. Karson wanted to play with each toy as he opened it and wasn't to into opening more presents. He did love everything he got though, so that is always good! :)

Yay! Clap for Karson!

Karson loves to clap! He was clapping for his balloons, and when we sang Happy Birthday to him and when he hears music! So he was sitting on the grass clapping away!
Karson loves: spaghetti, ice cream, water, music, milk, balls, wheels on any kind of toy car, throwing things down the stairs, playing outside, crawling up and down the stairs, banana gerber snacks, playing peek-a-boo, bath time or playing in any kind of water, playing with the remotes,looking at and opening up his books by himself, giving kisses, and cuddling up with his blankets.
Karson has 5 teeth and can walk and almost run all over the place by himself now. He understands when you tell him to go get something, he has very good hand eye coordination, he doesn't really like his binki anymore and he is happy 95% of the time.

Eating his birthday dinner! I was trying to get some pictures of him in the wagon my parents gave him, but he wasn't buckled in and he was trying to climb out!

Karson Official First Birthday Party!

Friday was once again another crazy day for me! Dealing with the flood all day the day before, kind of put a damper on some of my plans, but I was still able to get some things done. I wanted Karson to be super happy on his birthday so I was hoping I could get some good naps in during the day and that didn't really happen, so he was still pretty tired at his party, but I know he loved the spaghetti for dinner and enjoyed all of his gifts!

Aunt Katie and Uncle Rylee got these fabulous balloons for Karson. He LOVED them, Aunt Fernanda tied the baseball one around his waist and he thought that was soo cool. He loved walking all over the house with the balloon.

I made spaghettic, salad and garlic bread and we had that for dinner, then we openend Karson's presents and I got an ice cream cake from Cold Stone for his birthday I think he had a great day and I know he won't remember it any way I just wanted it to be perfect, but I know that is too high of an expectation to have!~

Dear Karson,

Dear Karson,
Exactly one year ago today at 11:00 at night my water broke, and I started going into labor. So many emotions were running through my mind, I started shaking, and crying and smiling, I didn't know what to do. Would everything turn out ok? Would I be able to take care of you? Would I be a good enough mom? I didn't know, all I knew is you were coming and I was so excited to meet you.

It was a long hard labor, 21 hours in fact. I was having neck spasams, I could feel the pressure and the contractions and I was so, so tired. But you came and you were perfect, and you were mine.

Karson you were the light that I needed to shine for me at the end of my blackened tunnel. You brought me sunshine and laughter and peace. Losing your brother was the hardest thing I have had to face so far in my life, and you saved me. Your calm, sweet and loving spirit was sent to me for a reason. I thank God every day for loving me enough to give me you.

Tomorrow you will be 1 year old! It has gone by way too fast! I love watching you grow and learn new things. I love your laugh and your kisses you freely give me. Thank you for being the little boy that you are. I have loved every minute of being your mom and I can't imagine a life without you in it.

I love you so much! Happy Birthday Baby Boy!

Karson's First Friend Birthday Party!

Since it is Karson's first birthday I thought it would be fun to do a "friend" party for Karson. Some of our friends couldn't make it, but we had a good turn out still. Thanks to all who came and for the nice presents you gave Karson. We appreciate the love, help and support that you all give to Karson, Ty and I.

This was towards the end of the party when Karson was checking out his stash! :)

Daddy and Karson eating cake and ice cream that Karson loved!

Mama helping Karson open his presents.He was soo tired, he wasn't really in the mood to sit on that chair by himself, but he sat on my lap while I opened his presents. Hopefully on Friday he will want to try and open his own presents.

Looking at his new toy remote that he loves to play with!

And his new book. He loves books, and this one makes sounds!

Cole & Carly's cute little girl Finley! She was so happy all night, jabbering away! So cute!

Here is a picture of Remi, Tom & Jen's cute boy, Karson is going to have lots of friends to play with.

I was so happy that the party didn't get rained on, and we were able to hang out outside and let the kids play on the swing set. We openend presents, had cake and ice cream and just hung out! I can't believe my sweet baby boy will be1 in 2 days! Where did the time go? Thanks again to everyone who came! :)

Karson before the party

Karson had only had one 40 minute nap all day on Monday, so by 7:00 the time his party started at he was pretty tired. He was still happy, just not as perky as he usually is. So before the party all he wanted to do was sit by the slide and throw the ball up the slide and watch it roll down. He was content just doing that. Sweet boy.

Look at those eyes....so sleepy!

Sports Theme...

I tried to have a sports theme going on for Karson's party.He loves, loves, loves any kind of ball. I really think he is going to be a true athlete, and not just because Ty really wants him to like sports, just because since he was little, he has loved balls and throwing, and chasing them.

I got all of these decorations at the dollar store and they turned out pretty dang cute.

Thanks Mom and Dad for letting us use your back yard!

Karson's First Birthday Cake

I got this cute cake at Costco. It turned out really cute and tasted really good as well! Karson liked when everyone sang Happy Birthday to him and started to clap afterwards. He also wanted to try and touch the flame from the candle!

Busy Rainy Weekend

Thursday night we went up to get Kaili because she was supposed to have her first Tee Ball game, unfortunately it got cancelled. We grabbed a quick dinner at Wingers, and headed home. Kaili was so excited that Tyler had bought her a baseball glove and pink ball, she kept calling it a "mitten" it was so cute and she kept wanting to play catch with Ty.

Friday morning I took Kaili and Karson to Costco to order a birthday cake for Karson for his "friend"party on Monday. Then I decided to be brave and take both of them to Sweet Tomatoes by myself. Kaili was starving, and we were by there, so I just did it. It workd out ok. Karson wanted me to feed him constantly and didn't want me to leave his sight, but we made it through. Karson took a nap and Kaili and I wrapped up his birthday presents. After he woke up we played outside for a bit, however all Karson wants to do is climb up and down my cement porch stairs, which makes me quite nervous.

Saturday brought lots of rain. We did some house cleaning and Ty and Kaili ran a couple of errands. Later that night we went to La Luna for dinner and visited Ty's parents. Tyler's little sister Megan is a counselor at Oak Crest Girls Camp this year, so it was fun to talk with her about her first week. Sunday was the usual and we went over to my parents for dinner and the whole family was there so it was fun for Keith and Kaili to play together and Kyle and Karson.

Phew! Now another week begins, and I swear this one will be much busier! One day at a time right? Happy Monday to you!

My big boy Karson

I can't believe that Karson is almost 1 year old! Where did the time go? I have no clue! He is getting smarter and smarter every day! He loves to eat noodles, and cereal milk, and ice cream. He now knows how to turn himself around and speed race down to the bottom of the stairs, he goes so fast sometimes his feet get caught, and I can just see him tumbling down backwards, so I still have to watch him close on the stairs.

He has discovered things on the floor and wants to put everything thing he finds into his mouth, he also knows how to open up moms cupboards and drawers, so that is another hassle in itself. He loves to throw things ( like his daddy) I think we might have a pitcher on our hands. When he is mad he will take everything is his crib and dump it onto the floor, he likes to throw things in the bathtub and wants me to get them out just for him to do it over and over again!

He LOVES this gray remote. And he is smart and knows when we give him a " fake" remote, he will play with it for a second, but really he wants this remote. He is walking all over the place and I love it! It's so cute to watch him walk around, and jabber, jabber, jabber.

He loves to much on his toothbrush as well! He loves to pull things out of the garbage cans so I am constantly moving those, pull the dvd's out of the dvd stand, you know all that fun stuff!

I love you baby!

Shoes, Shoes The Magical Shoes

Ahem. Yes this is the floor of my closet. I try to at least once a week organize my shoes, so we can actually walk in our closet. Karson likes to mess up my work, and every time we have Kaili she enjoys raiding my closet wearing about 5 different pairs of my shoes and throwing them back in when Ty tells her she has to clean up. However I was thinking about my shoes, when we were watching an episdoe of " Here Comes the Newlyweds" and this girl said she had 17 pairs of shoes. And I thought to myself, " Well that isn't very many"Frankly I have more than 17 pairs of flip flops. Now let me start by saying, I do not throw away shoes. Even if I haven't worn them for years, they are somewhere in my closet. Well the other day I DID throw away about 15 pairs of old shoes, people we are talking about shoes from High School, possibly Jr. High....However I still haves shoes in my closet from High School.

The Flip Flop- I think it's safe to say I have over 20 pairs of flip flops. Some of these are over 5 years old. What Not to Wear would not approve of my flip flop collection because they HATE flip flops unless they are all cutesy,but I will never stop wearing flip flops. They are easy, fast, cute, and practical. They will always be a part of my foot fashion.

The Boot- I love boots! I wear my black boots so much I have to buy a new pair every year or at least every other year, because I wear the heel down, until the nail part starts poking out. I don't buy expensive boots, I bought my black pair I have now in September at Target for $30. I will wear them next year. I have different kinds of brown boots that I love. Boots are just cute. I must admit I am more of a "mid" heel kind of gal now, because come on, hauling around a kid at the grocery store and mall in HUGE heels just to make the outfit, somehow doesn't seem so important any more, but don't get me wrong, I still love heels!

See those shoes in the back of the above picture? You can only see the back of them? Big tan thick heels?I have had those shoes since 9th grade and I got them from my old time favortie shoe store BAKERS, do you all remember that store? Oh I loved it. Any way these shoes have the indents of my toes in them, but I love them and I don't think I will ever give them up. That may gross some people out, but they are classic!

I was going to count how many pairs of shoes I really do have and post it with this post, but I didn't get around to it. I am pretty sure I have at least 75. But please remember, the only pairs of new shoes that I have bought in the past 12 months were my black boots $30, Brown sandals for birthday $20 and a pair of flats $10, so $60 of shoes in 12 months, that is good. You could buy one pair of sheos for $60. I just save shoes, simple as that!

Black Shoes- Everyone has black dressy shoes, casual black shoes, black flip flops, black boots! Love black shoes

Flats- Ah yes! The Ballet flat. I used to be against the shoe, but fell in love with it when I was pregnant. Since I am so short, I always felt like flats made me look "pudgy" and I would never wear them in High School. But now I like them, they are comfy, cute, and just easier to run errands in. I have some silver ones, black ones, cute brown casual ones, and I am a fan of the flats! My sister-in-law Amanda should take a picture of all her ballet flats, because trust me she has every color of the rainbow!

Heels- And of course a girl always loves her heels! Summer heels, black heels, brown dressy heels, work heels! Heels are a classic!

What is YOUR shoe collection like?