Lately I have been thinking about my life, and why I made choices that I made, and how my life ended up the way that it did. The day Lance decided he no longer wanted to be my husband was an odd day. It was Friday May 14, we were up in Layton at OutBack Steakhouse with his whole family for his birthday dinner. He didn't say much to me on the way up. I was wearing pink capri pants and a white shirt. It was a little cold so I had a jacket with me.
I remember at dinner talking to his sister-in-law about me trying to get pregnant, and finding out just days before that I had insulin resistance and PCOS. I remember him acting like he couldn't hear what we were saying. On the way home I asked him if everything was ok, and he said " Yes". I was feeling good. I was starting to lose some of the weight I had packed on in my first two years of marriage, due to the fact that I saw Lance MAYBE, one night a week. He worked every weekend, so I was alone most of the time. I knew it bugged him that I had gained weight, but so did he.
We got home and I got onto the bed to read a book, because I knew he was going to watch sports. Hindsight- This should haev told me something. Any way he says " This isn't working" I said " Oh what is the TV broken?" He says " No, us being married is not working" uhhh...silence, silence...silence...And then I started freaking out. I didn't know what to do, so I drove to Carly's house and bawled to her for hours, until Cole gave me something so I could sleep. That whole night Lance didn't call me ONE time to check up on me. I am sure he finished watching some sports, called his little girlfriend Lexie, and went to sleep just fine. He worked all day the next day, and I lived in la la land that day. He got home and said he was going to go home to talk to his parents about things. Those two weeks were the wierdest weeks of my life.
Of course his parents told him to stay with me and to work it out. He came home on his birthday and acted like everything was fine, and then we barely talked that whole week. I became a zombie and then that weekend he said he was leaving me. The following Monday I came home from work and his side of the closet was empty...
I also remember a day in the spring watching some softball games with Lance, that I should have broke up with him.I should have listened to the voice inside of my head, and I should have let him go. But those of you who know me, know I have a hard time letting go. I missed my chance, and from that choice, I went down a path that for a moment in time led me to sorrow, loss, pain and sadness.
However from that choice I found Tyler. From feeling so scared, alone, lost, uncertain, sad, and wounded I came across Tyler again. I bring this up because Ty and I will celebrate our 3 year anniversary next week. It's crazy to think in three years where our lives have taken us. When I was writing to Tyler, I would always imagine what things would be like when we would meet face to face, we had a plan of meeting alone for the first time. We didn't stick to the plan, we should have. I loved sharing my feelings on paper with Tyler, I loved getting his letters, I was sad when I didn't get one. I listened to his tapes all of the time that he sent me. I fell in love with him through our letters and then I pulled away. I never felt good enough for him. I felt intimidated by my mistakes, and his lack of mistakes. And I gave up.
This is so sad,but the day I married Lance I wasn't truly happy in my heart.I knew my parents, my family wanted more for me, and I knew I was settling. I tried to be the Blissful Bride, but those who knew and loved me most were sad for me. I did everything to make my marriage work, because I was punishing myself. I was a big girl, and I made a choice and damnit I was going to be happy. But I was lonely, and sad.
So when I thought my heart was being broken at age 23, I think in reality it was picking up the pieces of my already broken spirit and putting itself back together again. Lance gave me a gift, he let me go, so I could become the person I had always wanted to be. Sure it was hard, sure it was sad, sure I was angry and confused, but it was a gift.
A couple of months after Lance left, he saw Ty's jeep at my house one night and was wondering who it was. After that he started calling me, wanting to talk, crying, saying he didn't know what to do with his life. He was regretting the choice he had made, he had moved to fast. He wanted to know if there was a chance for him. I had to take a good look at my life and the past two months of what he had done to me. I wrote him a letter and told him, I could never take him back. He could never give me what I wanted, and I deserved more. Lance is now living with the girl he "cheated" on me with and they have been for almost a year. She is younger than I AM. And I feel bad for her, becuase he will never give her what she wants, but she is dumb to believe him.
I am happy for me, and for the life I have been given. I love Tyler and I know that he does not judge me. I see it in people's eyes when I tell them I am divorced. Some do not care, and some do instantly. A couple of months ago, a very elderly lady I visit teach gave me the " look" when I told her I had a step-daughter and was divorced, she did not approve. I tried not to take it personal,but it makes me want to explain myself to her, when I don't have to. People who have not gone through a divorce, can't really say much about it. Sure we all have our opinions and every divorce is different, but sometimes divorce is just neccessery, whether you agree with it or not.
So any way I am glad Lance let me go, because I fell into the arms of the man I was always supposed to be with any way. It was written in the stars for Ty and I, and even though we have our fights, and arguments and disagreements. I find myself thinking about him all of the time in my spare moments, and how much I love him, and appreciate him, and I am thankful that he chose to marry lil ole me. :)
