So as a lot of you know July 10, 2007 is the day our sweet baby Easton was born. I can't believe it has almost been 5 years since we experienced our loss. We have learned a lot in the past five years. We have learned to heal, but to never forget. We have learned that we can't and don't grieve the same way and that, that is OK. We have learned not to ask that awful question of WHY US? WHY ME? WHY HIM? Because no matter how hard we ask, we will never have the answer we want to hear.
I remember exactly the day that Easton was born. I remember every detail, every word that was said, by the horrible nurse I had. Every moment of panic, fear, and pain.. I remember watching him return back to our Heavenly Father and how peaceful and heartbreaking it was at the same time. I remember a pain in the back of my throat that throbbed for about two months straight. I remember the first time I truly, truly smiled and laughed after the whole experience. I remember finding out when I was pregnant again and feeling happy, and also feeling guilty about being happy. Would this baby take the place of Easton? Would I forget about him? I remember rocking in the rocking chair,holding a teddy bear and refusing to open the closet doors to look at all the clothes I had bought for my sweet baby, that was no longer with me. I remember one day being pregnant, and in an instant NOT being pregnant.
I remember waking up the day of the graveside service realizing that, in fact my milk had come in and I was in so much pain.I remember thinking how UNFAIR it was that, this was happening to me. I remember emotions being all over the place, Tyler and I not sure how to deal with each other's loss as a couple. I remember words like " He is in a better place." or " It was meant to be" , or " After the funeral it will get easier." I wanted to SCREAM at these words, because all the words in the world couldn't take away my anguish, the emptiness I felt, the despair, the fear. I wrote a poem once that says " only time can heal a broken heart" I will live by that motto forever, because it's true. Time can help heal, but time does not make you forget. And I don't want to forget any way. Some people may not understand, or think my feelings are valid. But I LOVE Easton as if he was here right now on this earth with me.He is MY son, and I will see him again. I will get to know his quirks, what he likes, what he thinks and who he is. In my heart of hearts, I feel like he is our peacemaker child. The one who is the keeper of the calm.
I miss him every day that I am awake and breathing. I dream of him sometimes and wake up in a panic or a cold sweat. I see a preemie on TV and I start to bawl, Tyler takes me in his arms and doesn't say a word. He knows I don't want words, I just want silence while I let my tears subside. I am happy. I have beautiful kids. But I also have a beautiful child not here with me. Every year the first few weeks of July are hard. We get through them. But they are hard. 5 years is usually a big birthday party and it makes me sad I can't celebrate with Easton, here right now. But one day I will.
I love you Easton, every day, every hour, every minute of my life. You are never forgotten and for now you live inside my heart.
