Thinking....

So I have an "Uncle" ok technically he isn't my uncle but that is what I have called him my whole life. He is my dad's first cousin Keith McDermott ( my nephew Keith is named after him) any way Keith lives in California with his wife Florence and thier 4 kids Brian 25, Scott 23, Adam 22 and Luke 16 (yes named after my Dad). Growing up we would usually see them at least once a year or sometimes if we were lucky even twice a year. Even though we lived far away from each other we were still extremely close. Bethanie and I became Keith and Florence's "adopted" daughters. Florence always wanted a girl, so when they would come and visit she would always want to go shopping with us and look at girl stuff. My Uncle Keith was and still is very protective of Bethanie and I. Thier sons became like my 2nd brothers. They are just good people and you can't help but love them.

My Uncle Keith has survived bypass surgery, cancer and a broken neck. He is a survivor. About a month ago, he started acting very strange and my Aunt Florence didn't know what was wrong with him, she thought he was possibly going through a depression, it was getting so bad, that she had his brother Doug fly in and help her take him to the Dr. The news was not good. They had found two tumors growing on the back of his spine and neck area, they weren't sure if they were cancerous or what so for the past two weeks they have been running tests. Yesterday we got our answer and it was not a good one. The tumors are malignant, they cannot do surgery to remove them. His only options are chemo and radiation to prolong his life. He is 49 years old.

This makes me think and wonder why things happen the way that they do. It makes me wish I could drop everything and fly to California right now and see him one last time. It makes me think that I wish the last time I talked to him I would have paid more attention to what he was saying. He drove all the way to my wedding from California, and I have a picture of him and me in front of the Temple. I always said I wanted to send him a copy of that picture and I never did. I want to get mine framed. Life is so fragile, I am one of those people who thought "That will never happen to me" and something did happen when I lost Easton.

Last Sunday in Relief Society we had a really good lesson about accepting change. I like some change and other change is hard for me. We all know and accept the circle of life. When our grandparents die we are sad, but we know it must be. When someone younger dies that is when it becomes harder to accept. Everyone is always saying " Should have, would have, could have" and then it becomes too late. The saying "Take time to stop and smell the roses" is so true. I am so guilty of using my lack of time as excuses for not doing things I want. My favorite moments are just sitting downstairs on the couch with Ty and Karson with no TV on, and talking and holding our son. Those simple moments make me realize how lucky I am.

Ever since I lost Easton I have a little issue with losing someone close to me again. I always worry about Karson getting kidnapped ( I really do, this is a huge fear of mine) or if Tyler is late coming home from work, I always worry what if he got in a car accident, what if something happened to him. What would I do? People deal with loss every day! People die every day,each one of us are not exempt from this trial of faith. We as a people, we are strong. We learn how to cope the best that we can. It doesn't make it any easier,it doesn't take the pain away forever, but somehow we find a way to deal. I bring this up, because my heart ACHES so much for my Aunt, if it was Tyler and I was told he was dying of brain cancer, how would I pick myself up off the floor again?

In the relief society lesson the teacher read this poem, about if you knew it was the last time you would be with someone, you would ask them to come back for another kiss, you would tell them you love them one more time, you would hold them close. Life is hard, but it is definately worth it. I know I am going to try and not take for granted what I have every day. I know I need to let go of the little things that bother me sometimes and focus more on the bigger picture, because this life here on earth really is so short. A small example of this is if Ty and I have a argument or disagreement, even if I am still upset with him the next morning, I can't NOT say I Love you, before he goes to work, because what if I didn't say it that morning, and that was the last time I saw him? The guilt would live inside me forever, and I don't want to be that person.

We are always trying to better ourselves and for some reason whenever something hard happens, that is the time when we make the decision to be strong and fight. I love my Uncle Keith so much and I wish this wasn't happening to him, but it i, and all I can do is be there for him and his family the best that I can.

I am thankful to know what I know. I didn't mean for this post to be depressing, it is just more of a thinking post!

Love you all and Happy Thanksgiving!